Elizabeth over at Delightfully Tacky has challenged fellow bloggers to answer the following question: "What is keeping you from achieving your dreams right now?" I have decided to join in on this conversation.
It would be so easy for me to put the blame on anything but myself; I could blame my home life or the economy, my recent breakup or the loss of friendships. I could put the fault on any number of outside sources. But when it comes down to it, I am the one who is holding myself back.
I really noticed it the other day. I'm still very close friends with my ex, and I was laying on my bed talking to him when I looked over and saw the list of "19 Things To Do Before I Turn 20" taped to the side of my bookshelf. I put it there to remind myself that I had goals to reach, but this was really the first time I had looked at it in months. And to be honest, I was really sad to realized that I haven't done a single one of them... and I have less than 6 months left.
Some of them are things that I know have to be done: getting my driver's license, getting my transfer to SCAD sent in and accepted, and so on. Really, it's my own procrastination and laziness and fear and insecurity that has held me back from many of these things. I have always felt something; this want, desire, need, to be accepted and admired and loved. I have the worst habit of comparing myself to others, and living in the age of Facebook, blogging, and Instagram, it's very easy for me to feel less than; less interesting, less lovable, less beautiful. I could have a wonderful experience going somewhere or create something beautiful, but my brain sees something of someone else's and I lose confidence in the things I feel or have done. And it's really sad, because I know that I have a lot to be proud of and a lot to share.
My life choices are already different from most people my age anyway. While most people are drinking and smoking and experimenting with drugs and sleeping around and having the quintessential "college experience," I have no desire for any of those things. These are personal choices and by no means do I think I am better than anyone else for making them; but I also don't want to be around people who are going to be getting plastered or high and I don't want to be made to feel like a freak for not dating a different guy every weekend. Because of these choices, I know many of my friends leave me out of things and don't even bother to make plans with me even one-on-one, which is sad because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I know that I could overcome these feelings of social anxiety on my own, but in a way I wish someone would at least extend an offer or two to give me a hand.
I know that I am the one getting in my own way, and I know that a lot of the excuses I make are really only present and relevant in my head. After seeing that list with nothing on it completed, I know I have to make many changes, and I am already putting effort towards a few things that I know need to be done.